With all your concern for the patient, do not forget to take care of yourself. If you allow yourself to get overly tired, run down and ill, you will not only be of no possible help, but possibly a hindrance. Instead of an asset, you could become a burden at least emotionally if not physically. 

Pace yourself. Give yourself space. Limit your time spent with the patient and allow yourself time for outside activities. Get away by yourself or with others and clear your mind. In this way, you can actually do more for the patient in the long run. Eat well. Sleep well. Take care of yourself. 

It is wonderful to make the patient feel better, be happy and think highly of you for the moment. Your true goal is to have the patient recover and have the best quality of life possible. Consider each action on your part and its long range implications. Do everything you can that will help, and nothing that will hurt their chances of recovery and their long term quality of life.

The following is a list of some suggestions for you to follow to be of maximum benefit to your patient:

• Don't be afraid to use the word cancer. Call it what it is.
• Make it clear that you are with the patient to help and give support, not to offer sympathy. Be calm and just be there.
• Be a good listener.
• If the patient expresses feelings of being a burden, reassure them by saying you have chosen freely to be there.
• Treat the patient as if you expect them to live. You need not believe they will, you only need believe they can recover.
• Have patience. Not everyone hears the information the first time.
• Don't be afraid to cry with the patient and family. This can lead to meaningful conversations.
• Don't tell them to keep a stiff upper lip or keep smiling. You can say it must be very hard or very tiring or very frightening.
• Allow them to express anger when it is to relieve stress.
• Express love, caring and concern verbally and through actions at every opportunity. Letters, cards and flowers are tangible methods.
• Cancer is not contagious. Touch, hug, kiss. Human contact is very necessary.
• The patient needs reassurance that you love them even though their physical appearance might have changed.
• Give them something special they might not want to buy for themself.
• Provide companionship with the patient during meals and other appropriate times.
• Act cheerful whenever you are around the patient. Being depressed and gloomy is contagious, and the patient could catch it.
• Be completely honest with the patient in a constructive and optimistic manner.
• Keep no secrets from the patient.
• Do not whisper to others in front of the patient.
• Think of the patient as an individual, a unique human being, not a statistic.
• Discuss all the normal things with the patient that they have 

always been interested in. While cancer might have become the dominant item in their life, their interests have not changed.
• Encourage the patient to believe that their actions could make a difference in the outcome and the quality of their life.
• Make no prognosis. It can only cast doubts on your credibility.
• See that the patient makes a verbal commitment to do everything in their power to fight the disease.
• Allow the patient to make all their own decisions when possible.
• Encourage the patient to learn everything about their cancer that they can.
• Make them do everything for themselves that they can. This includes making telephone calls, reading, keeping lists, scheduling appointments, and doing personal things.
• See that they treat their cancer promptly, properly and thoroughly.
• Make certain their doctor is qualified to treat them and believes he can successfully treat them.
• See that they relate well to their physician. Have them write down all their questions before seeing their physician and make sure they understand the answers.
• They should receive a PDQ computer printout from 1-800-4-CANCER and make certain they are getting the state-of-the-art therapy.
• Be certain they read, understand and practice everything in Fighting Cancer.
• They should understand each component of their treatment as to what it is, what it is supposed to do and how it is supposed to do it.
• If the patient has adverse side effects from treatments, encourage them to realize what it is doing to those weak cancer cells.
• Keep pleasant activities planned for the future.
• True love is never having to say, "I'm sorry." Erase that phrase from your vocabulary. Sympathize with them, not for them.
• See that the patient spends 15 minutes, 3 times a day practicing relaxation and visual imagery.
• Be certain the patient takes the mental attitude quiz in the book Fighting Cancer
• Get the patient into one or more support groups or set one up. Join one yourself if available.
• Plan regular physical exercise in accordance with their abilities.
• Advise the patient that you are saying prayers for them and urge them to say prayers for themself.
• Do not assume the patient is going to die. Many are cured.
• See that the patient eats a well-balanced diet sufficient to maintain their strength and their weight.
• A pet can be very beneficial in providing a purpose, companionship, pleasant tasks in caring, and amusement.
• Tape record messages, favorite music or books.
• Share your feelings with the children. Allow them to participate and help with the care. Help them talk and share their feelings.
• Encourage the patient to keep as physically and mentally active as they are capable.
• Don't be afraid to be funny and laugh. Laughter is therapy. Rent funny movies. Give joke books.
• Do not tell horror stories of other cancer patients.
• Talk about past occasions and reminisce about good times. Discuss how they have been special and meaningful to your life.
• Never discourage an optimistic outlook.
• See that the patient keeps themself clean and neat at all times. Personal hygiene is very important.
• Provide pedicure, manicure, hair stylist or pretty scarves - anything to build their self-esteem. Give a make-up lesson or gentle massage.
• Encourage a second opinion.
• See that they keep all appointments on time.
• Do not encourage the patient to try alternative therapies.
• As the patient gets better, do not diminish your attention to them. Subconsciously, they may wish themself ill only to regain your lost attention.
• Take care of yourself.

What you just read are suggestions for you, the primary caregiver, to help the patient. The following are suggestions for you to help yourself so you can continue to be most effective for the patient.

1. Be considerate of yourself. Remember that you are a supporter, not a magician.
2. You cannot change anyone else. You can only change the way you relate to them.
3. Find a hermit spot. Use it daily.
4. Give support, encouragement and praise to friends and professionals. Learn to accept it in return.
5. At times you are bound to feel helpless. That is normal. Don't be hard on yourself.
6. Change your routine often and your tasks when you can.
7. Recognize the difference between complaining that relieves and complaining that reinforces negative stress.
8. Each night, focus on a good thing that happened during the day.
9. Be a resource to yourself.
10. If you never say "no," what is your "yes" worth?
11. Don't feel guilty when you take time off for yourself.